Why is it so hard to rest?

Looking at how our habit energy leads to suffering

Me trying to rest. GIF from https://imgur.com/gallery/NsXNxPi

Contemplations

When was the last time you truly rested?

If you find yourself resisting rest, what habit energy do you think is behind this resistance?

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This past weekend was my wonderful wife’s birthday. For her birthday, she asked to do nothing — something that both of us has desperately needed after months of turmoil and chaos. We have both been yearning for spaciousness. Our bodies and spirit have been hungry for it.

As two people who are deeply committed to service in our own ways, we tend to put others’ needs before our own. This is something that I am constantly working on; this push and pull of my needs and my call to help others. BOUNDARIES, ANYONE?!

For me, in the past I have found sips of breath, of calm when I can, either going on retreat or spending the day at the monastery. And of course finding a sense of balance, of equanimity in my mindfulness and spiritual practice every day.

Source: allbetter.art

But it never has been a full integration, a default state. In fact, rest has felt so unnatural to me most of my life. I chock this up to internalized capitalism, pushing us, particularly BIPOC folks, to work to prove our worth, our value. This is part of a greater conditioning and system that dehumanizes us, that makes us believe that we aren’t anything without our job, our productivity, our to-do lists. (If you haven’t already, you should check out Tricia Hersey’s incredible work at the Nap Ministry and her book Rest is Resistance, along with other healers and creators who are doing such important work for different communities.)

And so in this way it has been ingrained in all of us, especially Americans, where we have been all programmed to believe that the dream is possible, if you’re willing to work yourself to death.

But we deserve to rest. It’s our birthright, as human beings. And no one will let you believe otherwise until you start believing it yourself.

Not to be all Buddhist about it, but…

“Habit energy pushes us to run, to always be doing something, to be lost in thoughts of the past or the future and to blame others for our suffering. And that energy does not allow us to be peaceful and happy in the present moment.”

– Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh 

At the Lunar New Year service at Blue Cliff Monastery, a Sister invited us during her dharma talk to think about which habit energy we want to transform.

Thầy (Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh) talks about habit energy as a force, one in which can feel out of our control — like a horse that gallops out of fear down the road without knowing which way it’s going. It is by recognizing that this energy is a habit, one in which we do have the ability to transform, is one of the essential teachings of Buddhism, as the Fourth Noble Truth teaches us. There is a path.

By taking this first step in recognizing our habit energy, we are also taking responsibility for our own suffering, which can be incredibly hard to face. But if you really think about this, it’s quite extraordinary. This idea that we can actually transform our suffering. To me, this is incredibly empowering. Because otherwise, we would be stuck in ourselves, in a spiral. In Buddhism, these unending cycles of suffering are called samsara.

Source: intoactionlab.com

And for me, the habit energy I’m looking at this year is my propensity to fix. This inclination to be in the drivers’ seat, to be the first to raise my hand, to think I potentially know better. Though it comes from a heart-centered intention, it can often be misguided and can be harmful to not just me (through overextending myself) but also potentially the other person who may or may not want that kind of help. Instead, I want to transform this and start from a place of listening and deep understanding.

It’s something I have worked on for years and years but I am looking at more deeply now as I now see how it has gotten in the way of my rest, my self-care, and building a nourishing life.

So yes, it’s capitalism, it’s learned behavior, and it’s me.

And I think this is my life’s work — to loosen the grip that this habit energy has on me.

So what’s the habit you want to break, transform? What is your impulse to do, do, do to work, work, work? Let me know in the comments. I’m curious to know:

• When was the last time you truly rested?

• If you find yourself resisting rest, what habit energy do you think is behind this resistance?