Leaning into fear
And trusting the wisdom of our bodies to know the difference between perception and reality
Contemplations
What is your relationship to fear?
How does fear show up in your body?
What practices can you cultivate to tap into your inherent limitless resilience?
***
Dear friends, this past weekend, I went on a beautiful retreat with Larry Ward and Kaira Jewel Lingo, both of whom I consider my teachers and have had the honor to study with. It was amazing to watch Larry Ward and Kaira Jewel hold space together. Both come from a long history of organizing. Kaira Jewel’s father organized with Martin Luther King, Jr. and Larry has done incredible work around the globe for underserved communities.
They both come from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village tradition but also bring a different perspective to the teachings through the other forms of study they have done over the years and their own lived experiences.
I have found that I connect and resonate the most with Black Buddhist teachers. To me, there is much wisdom to be learned in listening to how they have transformed suffering in their everyday lives.
I had signed up for the retreat months ago, not really paying attention to what the theme of the retreat was. As I checked into my room, I saw the title of the weekend: BE NOT AFRAID. I quickly learned that we were going to be exploring and tending to fear all weekend, personal and collective. Because they are inter-related. Or as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, inter-are.
As we explored what fear meant through the weekend, I knew it had a different nuance, flavor, texture for everyone in the room. The last time I was in a community space with Larry, eight Asian women had just been gunned down in Atlanta. It was the beginning of a huge period of upheaval for me — one in which I was living constantly in a state of paranoia.
I remember feeling grateful for being in Larry’s community, specifically being in a BIPOC-only space where I didn’t have to explain my grief and trauma, that I could just be.
I had asked Larry then, how do we straddle the line of perception and reality when it comes to our own safety? I had asked the same question this past weekend and he and Kaira Jewel gave me the same answer that he had before: To trust the body.
That if we practice enough, we will become familiar with the nuances of fear and how it feels and shows up in our body. That if we allow ourselves — and our nervous systems — to rest, we will know when our body is protecting itself instead of living in a default state of hyper vigilance.
"Remember we are wired by safety but governed by fear,” Larry said.
Larry and Kaira Jewel were a beautiful complement to each other. As one person said in our group: Larry was like lightning and Kaira Jewel was like still water. Both distinct but neither could be possible without the other.
Larry, not just a senior dharma teacher but also an academic, dove deep into neuroscience, biology and sociology in his dharma talks. In addition to sharing the dharma, Kaira Jewel led us through several embodiment practices.
This was most striking to me — moving with the fear that coursed through my body and not just talking about it. It was the first time perhaps that I had felt connected, free to my body in years. As I wrote about in my last post, I am still healing from the realization of harm from the yoga studio I trained at.
As we moved through the room, inspired by Interplay techniques, without a care in the world, the inhibitions and anxieties in me dropped. We twirled, spun, ran, created one-hand dances, and just simply felt the support of the Earth underneath us. That was healing, that was liberating.
I received some challenging news while I was on retreat — one that activated quite a bit of fear in me and my body. In that moment, I was grateful for all the tools I had been given. Instead of letting myself rise into a panic, I instead massaged my vagus nerve, grounding myself in how fear was showing up in my body, not just my mind. That’s where we get into trouble.
I could feel myself sinking into the twin bed inside my retreat dorm, feeling supported, present and instead of shying away — or trying to solve or run at it — I leaned in and allowed myself to feel the fear that arose in my body. And I did — like electric waves coursing through my veins, my whole body shook and then eventually stopped. And I cried, allowing myself to continue releasing the fear.
And quietly, without much drama or fanfare, my fear shrunk a bit. Just enough to be there but not take over.
I woke up the next morning, grounded, present and grateful for these tools and practices. And remembered why they are considered medicine.
Not to be all Buddhist about it, but…
That morning — our last morning — Kaira Jewel talked to us about equanimity. I have always struggled with this teaching. In Pali, upekkhā. In Sanskrit, upekṣā. But like many Buddhist terms, there are many translations — all of which are insufficient and can’t contain the full essence of the teaching. But as I am learning, we can never truly fully grasp the full essence of anything with language, or any medium really, we are always more than the sum of all our parts, more than our human brain can comprehend.
“Neither a thought nor an emotion, (equanimity) is the steady conscious realization of reality's transience. It is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love. While some may think of equanimity as dry neutrality or cool aloofness, mature equanimity produces a radiance and warmth of being. The Buddha described a mind filled with equanimity as "abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and ill-will." — Gil Fronsdal, Insight Meditation Center.
I think I have struggled with this teaching in the past because I always thought of equanimity as a state of indifference — not being affected by anything. But as I dive more deeply into this teaching, I understand that it is quite the opposite. Equanimity isn’t about not being affected by our suffering and emotions, it’s finding that steady ground — that stability within ourselves — whenever things do turn into chaos.
I am realizing now that I have cultivated a life that enables me to access this state more easily — from me meditating and praying every morning before I start my day to moving out of the city so my nervous system wouldn’t constantly be stimulated. After years of practice, I know when I am off-kilter, when I am slightly more on edge or “up”, when my window of tolerance is small.
And I know how unreachable it feels when fear creeps or sweeps in. Larry spoke about how equanimity is similar to a tree’s trunk — how during a storm, you see the branches fly around, break even. Those branches are our mind; it dangerous for us to let our minds be in the driver seat when fear is taking over. It is unreliable; it catastrophizes.
Kaira Jewel gave us a different metaphor — the weeble toy. This brought a gentle smile to my face, as I realized our capacity as humans to bounce back. That despite what we might feel, or what we are told, we are built out of and built for resilience. That is why it is considered one of the Brahmaviharas in Buddhist teachings — a practice, an innate quality in all of us that is boundless, limitless.
This past weekend was a reminder that with the right tools, we can all tap into that. And for that, I am grateful.
A bit more wisdom
Some noteworthy quotes from Larry and Kaira Jewel that has stayed with me:
“The body never lies.” — Kaira Jewel Lingo
“Don’t hide from fear. It’s a gateway to wisdom.” — Kaira Jewel Lingo
“You know you’re still alive if you’re being challenged.” — Larry Ward
“Your energy is what will transform society, not just your words. Your energy from your heart is what will shift the world, not just your work.” — Larry Ward
“What is the quality of mind we need to built for a better future?” — Larry Ward
“Everything is all bubbles” — Kaira Jewel, referencing a convo she had with Thich Nhat Hanh
***
Contemplations
What is your relationship to fear?
How does fear show up in your body?
What practices can you cultivate to tap into your inherent limitless resilience?
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